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In every area of life there are rules that need to be followed in order for things to run smoothly and harmoniously. Relationships are no different. There are rules to love and by understanding, practicing, and mastering these fundamental skills that are absolutely crucial in your success in finding, creating, and nurturing a magical relationship. There is so much to learn and appreciate about the needs, feelings, and behaviors of not only yourself, but of your partner as well, and how to use these understandings to best support your partner and your relationship and to have it grow into something so amazing and beyond your wildest dreams.
Focus on one skill at a time. If you commit to it, and take these skills and principles and you really internalize them and live them fully for one week, it can absolutely transform your relationship and shift everything into something you won’t even recognize anymore. Something so beautiful and magical and abundant.
If you truly want to have the experience of being lovers for life, and I don’t mean just having a good relationship or even a great one, but a magical, transforming one, then these are the skills and principles you must live by every single day.
1. Heartfelt Understanding:
This does not mean that you understand how damaged your partner is from their upbringing or past experiences. It isn’t about judgement or intellect. What I’m talking about is getting into your heart and stepping into your partner’s shoes. It’s understanding that we are all different people with different needs, and different wants. It’s not about walking in their shoes and thinking through the perception of what you would feel or want, but truly walking in your lover’s shoes and asking yourself who they truly are at their core. What are their wants/ What are their needs? And then coming from a place of heartfelt understanding and compassion.
See often when people get what they want they still feel empty because they’re not getting what they need.
You need to know how your partner meets their need for significance. Learn more about their needs, their fears, and more importantly, about your own. The more that the understanding is heartfelt, and not filtered through the mind and ego which is where judgement and labels exist, but filtered through the heart that understands that a depth of spirit understsands, your soul understands. An understanding that connects you to your partner and not that pigeon hole in your partner that separates you.
Once you have that skill of heartfelt understanding, you take it and you measure it. You get honest with yourself and ask youself, “Am I living it just on a general level or am I living it on a level that guarantees a magical love affair?” You must put your partner and your relationship above everything!
Your lover must come first, before the kids, before your work, before your friends, before anything and everything. You MUST put your partner and the sacredness of your relationship above everything. It doesn’t mean ignoring everything else, it means putting their needs and wants above all other things first.
In this culture, achieving and succeeding is how most people are conditioned to show love. You feel the need to take care of everything else before you take care of your partner. That’s a recipe for disaster. If your partner feels like ANYTHING else is more important, in their soul that they are, then you have problems.
You absolutely must put your partner’s feelings first. Their emotions, their desires, and do what you have to do to have the skill of heartfelt understanding. What do they really need? Not just what do you want and need. The more you focus on yourself, the less of a lover you are. Your lover must feel like they are #1. It’s about taking the time and making that connection. It’s the little things. It could be a phone call, a note, an I love you, the touches, all of those little things add up to the big thing called love.
In order to do this you have to think of love as giving, not getting. A relationship is a place to give something. You’re not going there to get. You get to feel what you give. As long as it’s about you, you’re always going to be self conscious, and as long as you’re inside your head and not your heart, you’re not at the vibration of your true soul which is to give love. This means giving because it’s right, loving even when it’s hard, giving from your soul without judgement, then you feel what you’re giving. When you try to hold back then you forget ever getting better. This is about unconditional love and giving of the soul.
If you’re going to the relationship to try to fill up, you’re going to be empty. When two empty people come together you have more emptiness. A relationship is a place to give something.
It does a number on a woman when you’re in the middle of everything in your day and you just pick up the phone to say, “babe, I love you”, or “I miss you”, “I need you”, or “I want you”. Those simple little moments make your partner feel loved.
By lighting your partner up you then start to be filled up. The love of life is to create love. To be in love and to express that love. Not to look for what you can get out of it. That’s not authentic.
When there’s a problem in a relationship, it’s because you’re violating this principle because you’re too busy thinking, “he/she did this to me”. It’s about you then. You need to be in a place where you’re always thinking “I am the source and I’m going to pour my love into it”. When two people do this, it’s incredible.
You need cherished time together of exchanging, cuddling, and honoring each other at the end of the day. It’s about putting your partner first at a level 1 so they feel it. It’s not just about the amount of time. It’s about the mental, emotional, and physical presence when you’re together and connecting.
If you’re totally honest with yourself, ask yourself, “Do they feel like I have heartfelt understanding of their dreams, their desires, their goals, what they’re going through, the problems they’re having right now? There is no greater gift that you can give a woman than to understand. To allow her to share with you her deepest thoughts, fears, and pains. It’s why women connect with other women.
If there’s one gift that you can give your partner, it’s to truly give her your presence, giver her time and space to truthfully be in your heart and connect and understand.
2. Giving What Your Partner Really Needs
If you’re giving and there’s still problems, then you’re giving everything except what they really need. If you gave them what they needed they’d be built up, and excited and it would be magical. If you truly understand the needs of your partner, and you’re giving them what they need, the way that they need it… there’s going to be fireworks in your relationship. But if they’re not happy, you’re not meeting their nreal needs. You’re doing what you need. Care enough to give them what they need. Their feelings come first so give it to them in a way they really need.
Ask your partner, “What really makes you feel loved?” Don’t just assume you know. We all receive love in different ways. Sometimes it’s a look, or a touch, or some people need gifts all the time to know that they’re loved. Ask them, Do you feel most loved when I look at you a certain way? Do you feel most loved when I hold you, or touch you in a certain way? If you know what lights your partner up, what makes them happy on all levels, intimately and sexually, and you know who they are and what makes them tick… it’s magical. Ask from a heartfelt place. You need to know what their triggers are because one slight change in a trigger can have your partner going from “I love you” to “I worship you” in a heartbeat.
The more you have heartfelt understanding about what your partner needs, and the more you give them what they need, the way that they need it, the more magical it is. What do they need more than anything right now? Do they need your friendship right now? Do they need you to listen to them right now? Do they need intimate connection? Take the giving to a deeper level.
And it’s not about loving when your partner is responding back to you. It’s not just loving when it’s easy, or intimate or playful. It’s loving no matter what, even when you’re terrified, when you’ve been hurt, when they’re shutting down. It’s loving unconditionally. You just love. Love has no conditions. If you can give this to your partner consistently, there is nothing that heals a person’s soul more, nothing that unleashes someone, nothing that will make someone love you more, than to feel that you love them, even when they don’t think they deserve it. That bonds people.
3. Create and Build Trust & Respect
You cannot have a great friendship or relationship if you don’t trust someone, or if you don’t respect them. And you can’t expect someone to respect you when you’re not respecting them. This trust and respect has to be so solid and strong. It’s a never ending process of building. If you keep practicing it there will come a time when you know your partner’s soul and you don’t question anymore and that’s when you have something magical.
Women are always testing to see if you are trustable. They’re always testing to see if you can handle them. Can I really be all of me and you’ll still love me or do I have to be controlled? Can I be vulnerable without you taking advantage of me? Manipulating me or not caring for me. Can I let go and you will be my rock? You’ll be there. I can be safe knowing that you’re deeply rooted in your presence and you’re not going anywhere. There’s a surrender, a trust, an opening that happens when you know that your partner is immovable. It creates such an opening between two people that’s just amazing.
You have to be able to trust, even if you’ve been hurt or betrayed, or you’re scared. Trust in something deeper. Trust in love. There’s no more beautiful gift you can give than trust. When someone feels trusted they feel worthy. If you can trust after your trust has been violated, that’s part of getting to the magic. You have to push through your fears and reactions, and old patterns.
The thing your woman is testing you for is whether you are committed to loving them no matter what.
And when you assume that your partner has violated one of your “rules” for how to be, you become reactive. You need to say to yourself that you know that there is nothing that your partner can really do or say that is really trying to hurt you. It’s about positive intention. Some things they do may look like “this” but it’s not that. You have to get to a place where you know your partner’s intentions are never to hurt you. Once you decide that your partner has bad intent, you destroy the relationship.
Your partner isn’t trying to hurt you, they’re trying to meet one of their needs in a way they feel suits them. They’re reacting out of fear because people really aren’t selfish, they’re just fearful. Know their heart in spite of their behavior. Once you do that you instantly take things deeper.
Forgive, forget, and flood. You can’t have love without freedom. Freedom comes when you forgive. It’s a decision to say that you don’t live in the past, you’ll live in the moment. Forgiveness is the most amazing gift you can give yourself and your partner. You have to be willing to forgive, forget, and move on. Remember cherished moments, magic moments, and flood yourself and your partner with love. Magnify all those beautiful moments, relive them, return to the magic and magnify it.
4. Reclaim Your Playfulness, Presence, and Passion:
If you want your man’s attention, taunt him, tease him, and engage him. The feminine energy is more powerful than anything else he may be absorbed in. If you’re in your feminine, sexy, playful energy, a man can’t ignore that.
Everyone has playfulness when they’re being spontaneous. Everyone has presence where they can just zero in and be there for someone. Where nothing else exists except your love. From that comes passion.
Practice daily intimacy where you open your heart and hold nothing back. Express it all without limits. It’s the making love, the cuddling, touching, holding hands, playing, having fun and being sexy. And if you want more love, express more love. If you want more romance, express more romance. If you want more sexiness, express more sexiness.
When you come to that space together it all sacred, and beautiful. Give each other the freedom to explore. Try everything at least once and if you like it, do it again. Experiment. Unless you’re willing to experience the light to dark in your relationship…. everything can’t always be the same, there’s no energy in that, no playfulness or passion… you’ve got to have that love and take your partner to where they want to go.
And there absolutely has to be polarity because opposite energies attract. Most relationships end not because there’s a lack of love, but because there’s a lack of intimacy. You need opposite energies, a masculine and feminine energy that sparks and creates the energy of passion. There’s an excitement and a sexuality. When 2 energies are the same, there’s no polarity and things die. If a woman is in her feminine and she’s radiating, a man’s energy just goes there. It’s an electrical pull.
It’s about knowing what your core essence is. We’re born with a sexual essence. Is yours more masculine or feminine? Honor it. That’s where you’re most being yourself, that’s your power. And when a man takes charge and gives to his woman as a masculine energy, she melts and she’s excited by it. She instantly becomes feminine.
5. Harnessing Courage & Embracing Honesty:
It takes an immense amount of courage to have that depth of honesty but by not speaking your truth in the moment, that moment becomes a hurt or pain. Heartfelt honesty is speaking your truth from a place of heart, and not making the other person wrong. It’s not about ‘you did this to me.’
Honesty is being totally truthful and clear about everything that matters. You need to express yourself openly and honestly no matter what. It has to be authentic. Even if it’s uncomfortable, and it may hurt, it will always deepen you because it’s real. Come into your heart. It allows you to own it because you still feel like you’re loved.
There is power in vulnerability and to getting into what’s real. Instead of having anger, fear, guilt, shame, share the truth and be willing to forgive yourself and flood yourself with a new commitment.
6. Uncovering & Creating Alignment:
You and your partner have to be heading in the same direction together. To have a oneness in the core things that really matter. Without alignment you drift apart and then move apart.
You need to find the higher meaning and grow together. Learn the lessons in your arguments and differences. Ask yourself, ‘what is it that I’m judging or reacting to in myself or my partner?’ Or are you in the past? Find a way to use whatever life brings you for a greater good. Out of that pain, comes a greater spiritual depth. You must find the good together. There’s always a gift in all the pain. Learn to change the questions you ask yourself because the question filters what you focus on and what you feel. Instead of asking ‘why does this happen to me?’, ask yourself, ‘How can I make it even better?’
What’s the question you ask yourself most often in your relationship? Is it, “How did I get so blessed to have this woman or this man in my life?” If you keep asking that, you’re going to find a deeper meaning. Find a way to use things to your advantage to grow your relationship.
And practice gratitude consistently. Honor the beauty of your life. Step and be who you truly are instead of someone who lives in fear. Have an appreciation for the past because it brought you what you have now. You have to appreciate your relationship because if you hadn’t been through everything you’ve been through before this, you wouldn’t have this beautiful relationship at the same level.
Be grateful even for the little things. Gratitude grows love, appreciation and praise. Give gratitude with real emotions behind it because where your focus goes, energy flows so focus on what you’re grateful for.
Live Consciously & Be the Example:
Be the example you want from your partner and what you want to see in the world. Don’t demand it from your partner- BE it. How are you communicating? How are you showing up in the relationship? How are you touching your lover? How do you speak to them? Are you living out of habit?
Be the example of love, putting your partner first and all of these other skills. BE that example and you will evoke that from your partner, or you’ll evoke it from the partner you deserve because like attracts like.
Most people are living the example of their past. Living the dysfunction of your past. Instead of living the past, create the present and the future. Practice all of these skills daily and watch the magic happen.
A great, passionate love for the rest of your life doesn’t just happen. It’s created by living consciously. Having an awareness of how you’re showing up. Are you being the example of what you’ve witnessed in your life? Or are you being the example of what you want?
People are just too focsed on themselves and what they’re not getting. You can’t be that kind of person and expect to have a magical love affair. Practice the skills daily, make them habits and enjoy the process.