After the Narcissist Reclaim Life, Love, and Light
Being in a relationship with a Narcissist is not a normal relationship by any means and we must accept that as the truth to move forward into recovery and remove the Narcissist from our mind and heart completely, because this was abuse and it never gets better, it only takes and destroys a person.
While we’re in the relationship with the Narcissist we try to justify and fix these “off the wall” crazy making efforts from the Narcissist because we think this will somehow change in the future if we work through it. We have a perspective that our Narcissist has issues that need our support and love to make it OK, but this only allows it to continue and only enables more abuse. YES, our Narcissist has many issues, but none of which we could even fix and we only end up coming out of the relationship needing to be fixed instead.
The process involves reversing the negative conditioning and desensitizing the horrendous messages that stole your reality, self-esteem, feeling of worth, and goodness.
If your partner, spouse, boss, friend or family member’s words humiliate you, judge you, dehumanize you, make you feel small, worthless or lack total respect for you as an individual with a real voice to respond with dignity, respect, and truth, it’s wrong, unacceptable, and definitely abuse.
You will devalue YOURSELF if you accept this behavior and allow other people’s abusive judgements of yourself, until you learn how to identify them and get rid of them once and for all. You will confuse these abusive actions with being realistic as it concerns you and your well-being. You cannot make or allow ANY assessment of yourself based on the denial of your ability to speak with the truth/ freedom and without the fear of their retributions or loss because of someone’s distorted version of the truth as it concerns you. That is condemming you.
Unfortunately, when you entered into this relationship with a Narcissist, you didn’t know what the future held for you, but with the knowledge you now have you can break the chain and move forward to a healthy and good life.
Manipulation, lies, devaluation, and every other tool in their arsenal is fair game to accomplish their goal. They have no empathy, emotions, or any internal mechanisms that form any sort of bond with other humans. Their bond is with external objects and their personal physical needs ONLY. They DO NOT love or even understand it, but they use that word often to pretend they do.
Their sincerity (or extreme charm) is what made them so attractive to you in the first place, but that’s more aptly defined as an abusive seduction. They maintain that sincerity so much so that it’s you that internalized that YOU have the problem or are the problem if and when anything goes wrong.
It’s that seductive cocktail that includes the charm, extreme manipulation, and love bombing that reinforces the whole scamming process that distort your reality. All we really did was believe in them and that was the mistake that led us straight into their web of abuse.
Their reality principles operate so they cannot see the real truth as it concerns them- it’s purely delusional. They really do live in a self-policing fortress or self-serving convenience. Applying legitimacy to their own lies gives the Narcissist better tools to make and create these delusional based self-deceptions that are the center of their pathology which makes them more believable to themselves and others.
It’s not likely that they’ll ever seek out professional help because they don’t believe anything is wrong with them (they won’t even consider it) so they don’t see the need to fix themselves. Whatever problems they encounter are always someone else’s fault.
Because we don’t go through life thinking that everyone we encounter is a liar, abusive, or a Narcissist, we tend to trust our judgements of people. When we encounter the Narcissist we presume that they are reliable and that not only includes their words, but their actions as well. THIS is what makes people with personality disorders so destructive, so disorienting, so unhealthy for normal interactions, and so abusive to our lives. The words that WE construe as normal simply don’t have the same status and meaning to a Narcissist because their personality disorder trumps everything and how THEY construe all events and even themselves.
As both a victim and survivor of a Narcissistic Abusive Relationship our part is to find closure in the truth that was abuse from a person with a personality disorder that we cannot fix or heal. From there, we must STOP blaming ourselves as if WE were the unhealthy one. We must discard everything and everything as it concerns this Narcissist by taking the power away from them and empowering ourselves. We cannot allow the emotional connection to drive us back into this destructive relationship. We must work on our personal recovery and healing because now it’s only about us and returning to a normal world as the healthy individual we once were.
We have the power inside us to do this, as well as the ability to move forward with trust. The path to recovery is not easy or without pain because the truth is that we cannot remain locked up in the abuse for the rest of our lives. Education, personal reflection, introspection as well as support from other survivors is the key to the recovery process. It’s an investment in our healthy future and something we MUST do at all cost.
You are an amazing human being that’s equipped with the skills to become a survivor. This is about you now. You deserve reality and love and you must strive to remove this abuse from your life so it doesn’t seed itself into your every thought process and change your life forever in a negative way. You are stronger than you know and you can do this. Every new day is one day closer to recovery. DO not let the pain and struggle define you. Look at each new day as another day that you have proven just how strong you truly are.
EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) to Free Yourself from Narcissists and Psychopaths and Reclaim Your Life
Before we dive into what EFT is and how it can help you heal from the psychological damage that has been done to you within a Narcissistic relationship, you first need to give yourself permission to heal and be healthy again.
Once in a relationship with a Narcissist, we can often experience blows to our success in different areas of life, whether it be our careers, finances, or being able to accept love from another human being. After a long and exhausting relationship, we may be experiencing such low self-esteem and such a sense of self-doubt that we withdraw permission to ourselves to succeed in anything.
Give Yourself Permission to Be Successful
At some point you just have to say, “This is who I am. This is what I am going to do. Staring NOW”. Once you make the commitment to go after what you really want, no matter how much “stuff” you have to move- everything becomes easier.
Step 1: Recognize That All The “Yeah- But’s” Aren’t Really Your Own
As human beings we can’t help but “Pick up stuff” from the people in our environment. We unconsciously pick up beliefs about ourselves that are so far from the truth of our magnificence. Then the beliefs that are handed to us through these abusive relationships end up running the show for years- rearing their heads in the form of doubts, fears, and feelings of inadequacy, every time we try to take a step forward.
Most people will never realize this is happening, let alone shift it. Moving through fear is not an option- it’s a requirement. On the other side of fear is always something truly magical and worth the effort.
The next time you feel doubt, fear, or an inkling of “I can’t”, stop and examine the idea from a place of curiosity. Is it truly yours? Probably not. You can safely release it or just give it back to whoever it came from.
As children we do this often. As soon as someone tells us we ‘can’t ‘ do something, we feel this powerful need to prove them and ourselves wrong. We look at what they’ve told us we can’t do from a place of curiosity and challenge it. We need to adopt this same mindset as adults to push through all of the doubts and resistance to emerge on the other side.
Step 2: Surround Yourself with Support
Who is the person in your life that stands by you and lets you know, “I will not stand for you holding yourself as anything less than the powerful man/woman you truly are.” This person can see your brilliance when you can’t. We all have that one person who loves you enough to stand with you through the storm and show you who you truly are.
Without that reflection and love, you will remain in the same place. That’s why it’s SO important to surround yourself with people that will SEE you.
Most people don’t have people in their day to day lives who truly see them and hold them accountable to their greatness. But, there are people who WILL. It’s your responsibility to find them, even when it means investing in yourself to do it.
Step 3: Create Impeccable Boundaries
The flipside of receiving support is boundaries. Surrounding yourself with amazing people who see your greatness also means limiting your exposure to negative, dream-stealing people and ideas. This doesn’t mean you have to give up all of your friends. In fact, your growth will be a true gift to those you care about. You can have compassion for those who are or have hurt you, but you must take back your power by setting clear boundaries with those who drag you down.
Step 4: Put Yourself in the Game
When the clutter of doubt, fear, and negativity is gone, what do you get to say YES to? Go to an event. Reach out to that potential partner. Throw the “Rules” out the window and be yourself. Say what you really mean without worrying about what others will think. When you’re feeling shaky, reach out to your support system.
Saying YES to your dream consistently is a practice- one that creates incredible momentum. Small “yeses” count- celebrate them all.
Step 5: Allow for New Love Truths.
Imagine what the world would be like if all the spiritual people in the world truly gave themselves permission to receive true, unconditional love.
Try these new belief systems and then make them your own by acting from that place… even if it feels “fake” or uncomfortable at first.
- Loving and Accepting Love is part of my spiritual path. In relationships, the love you receive back is in direct relation to the love you are willing to give out. If loving someone unconditionally, in a healthy, committed relationship is part of your spiritual path, it is impossible to be fully activated, expressed and living that path and NOT receive unconditional, healthy love in return.
- I empower others by allowing them to experience the full rainbow of my love. When you are truly loving and operating from heart, you are also completely vested in the relationship and not holding back or shying away. When you truly love someone with the full strength of your love, that love permeates out of you and your partner and affects everyone around you. It actually empowers others to seek out the same loving connection for themselves. You become the loving example of what others should accept in a loving relationship.
When you allow yourself to experience true love that gives you wings and allows you to be completely yourself without judgement, allows you to be passionate, playful, supportive, loving, full of fire, strength and weakness, intimate, truthful, and magnificent… you step up into a more powerful, confident sense of yourself and you show others around you how to step up into a more powerful, confident sense of themselves- and not by discounting, you stand in your power as well.
When you give yourself permission to experience an abundance of love flowing through your life while living true to your purpose and calling- you give others permission to experience the same.
When you start applying the Permission Method you will discover your energy shifting from a place of uncertainty, confusion or fear to a place of personal power- the best energy state from which to reclaim your life and grow from.
Give yourself that permission to love! The possibilities are endless when you ask yourself the question, “Where can I allow for new truths in my life?
- Where are there “Yeah-but’s” in your head? Who’s yeah-but’s are they? Narcissists are the biggest ‘yeah-butters’. Chances are everything you tell yourself mentally now encounters a ‘yeah but’ thanks to their psychological warfare. ‘I really want to be loved’….. ‘yeah but no one is going to stick around and love me when I’m damaged.’ ‘I really do love you’… yeah but no one can be this good to me. Sooner or later they are going to be just like the last one’.
- Who are the people who believe in you and your capacity?- in a selfless and humane way! Your Narcissist would tell you that you were stronger than you thought only when you were falling apart and they wanted something more from you. Who are the authentic, non-Narcs in your life?
- Where can you set impeccable boundaries? Who are the takers? Learn to take care of yourself before taking care of everyone else. Saying no is giving yourself permission to say yes to you.
- Take a pen and paper and write out a permission list. I give myself permission to say YES to me by giving myself permission to do, say, be, have the following…. 1 to 5.
- Where am I buying into, plugging into a belief system that is not my own? I give myself permission to unplug from destructive belief systems that do no support me. I give myself permission to embrace my own truths. I give myself permission to dispute this belief that does not support me. I give myself permission to have an original thought.
What is EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or Tapping?
EFT stands for emotional freedom technique. It’s specific algorithm within acupuncture and meridian point tapping where you tap on 9 acupressure points. When you focus on what is bothering you or holding you back in life while you being to tap on these acupressure points, you will find that you can have the same thought without having the physical anxiety. This allows us to easily let go of that negative thought and bring in something more empowering and healing.
How Does This Technique Actually Work?
Here’s what happens in the brain when you begin to tap. When we are feeling stressed, it is because at some level we feel threatened. When we feel threatened or in danger, the part of the brain called the amygdala begins to fire of and we go into what’s called Fight or Flight Mode. In an instant our body reacts to a threat by increasing our heart rate, pumping adrenaline through our body, our muscles tense up, and we go into an overdrive to be ready for a fight. This response is powerful if we actually need to be prepared to fight off danger, but incredibly taxing on the body.
The problem however, is that the amygdala cannot decipher between a real threat and a perceived threat so allowing yourself to fall in love, or accept love, can create the same physical response that our ancestors had when faced with a lion.
Tapping on these end points of the meridian sends a calming response to the body and the amygdala recognizes that it’s safe. Doing the trapping while imaging or discussing a stressful event counteracts the stress and reprograms the response to it.
Tapping is easy to learn and once you’ve learned the technique you always have it as a resource for when you’re feeling stressed or dealing with a pain.
When you begin tapping, begin by giving your feeling, whether it’s physical or emotional a number. So if you’re tapping a physical symptom, ask yourself, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how painful is it, 10 being very painful, 1 you barely feel it. “ When measuring emotions, you can ask yourself, “How angry do I feel on a scale of 1 to 10?” Or when addressing limiting beliefs you can say, “I’m not worthy of love. On a scale of 1 to 10, how true does that feel?”
This is called getting a SUDS level or a subjective units of distress
The reason that it’s important to measure your response is because it helps you gauge your progress. What often happens is that people clear the feeling so fast that they actually forget how they felt before because they get so disconnected from the old feeling. Without measuring their feeling they don’t realize how significant the change was.
Even if you find that with each tapping round that you only go down one point, that is still significant because with each new round you can watch as the issue disappears.
Once you get your SUDS level, you begin to tap on the side of then hand while you say what is called a set up statement. The setup statement goes, “Even though I have this problem,” and then you state the problem. So, “Even though I have this feeling of being unworthy of love.” “Even though I feel anxiety when accepting love, I fully and completely love and accept myself.”
Not only do these statements help to remove the negative emotions from your energy system and mind, it allows for more empowering self-love to be accepted.
Whatever You Resist Persists
Some people say, “I love and accept myself” and this is when they have hesitation. They think that it’s strange to say and they feel resistant at the thought of accepting themselves, because they fear that accepting themselves means they accept their current situation so nothing will change. Yet, it’s our inability to accept ourselves that keeps us stuck. It the fighting against ourselves that keeps us in place. When we accept ourselves, even with our problems, we will find that problems no longer have control over us. The struggle ends and we can move forwards. This set up statement allows us to be honest with ourselves. You target what is really bothering you and it sets you up for the entire healing process.
What people oftentimes find is that when they tap on a past hurt or a past resentment and they clear that, the issue that is happening in their current life is no longer an issue. They feel calm about it and they can be very resourceful and find a solution.
Tapping brings your energy back to balance so negative emotions and fears can’t stay there.
Our natural balance state is one of happiness and joy. We were born with the natural ability to feel joy. Once you address how you feel and clear the tension, anxiety, and stress, then you have the room to begin tapping on how you’d rather feel instead.
Your mind is like a garden. You can’t plant a flower of love if the garden if full of weeds. You need to first deal with those weeds. Pull them out and then you’ll have the room to plant what you’d rather have instead. Just as in a garden, if you ignore the weeds, they will grow back and choke out all of the beautiful flowers. Your old patterns will resurface if you aren’t willing to deal with them.
EFT Tapping for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery with Anne-Marie Wiesman