7 Ways To Re Learn How To Love Yourself After a Toxic Relationship
It’s Time To Recognize Your True Value
How To Love Yourself Again
If you have ever been through a long-term relationship with an emotional manipulator, the odds are high that you now blame yourself- for everything.
Your self-esteem may or may not have been high before the relationship began, but after dealing with the gas-lighting, shaming, yelling, and relentless put-downs, the thought of being able to trust yourself again may be a far more difficult task than trusting the next partner that comes along.
With time, patience, and loving-kindness towards yourself, you can learn to love yourself again, rediscover your true worth, and accept the kind of love that you deserve in a healthy relationship.
- Read and Hear Your Ex’s Words Directed At Themselves
Someone who abuses another person emotionally or physically is outwardly expressing all of the inner feelings of inadequacy that they themselves are holding on to.
All of the vile things they have said to you in the past, and will say again in the future, are expressions of how they are actually feeling about themselves.
Understanding that their worst statements to you as actually statements to themselves, will help you to release the shame and guilt that you have absorbed. You are not responsible for their emotions, emotions, or inadequacy.
- Examine Your Social Network Closely, both Online and Offline
Take a good look at everyone in your life and see who treats you in a similar fashion. Once you realize who these other emotional manipulators are, disconnect from them all together. Remove them from your life.
Love yourself by looking to surround yourself with people who lift you up, make you feel good about yourself, and push you to be the best version of yourself.
- Create a List of Behaviors You Will Not Tolerate In The Future
What behaviors did your emotional manipulator, and those other people that you recognized as treating you the same way, have in common? Did they yell? Belittle you? Coerce you into doing things you didn’t want to do? Shame you? Guilt you? Blame you?
Most people have no idea what they really want in a relationship and then they are bothered by what actually shows up in their lives. The first step in attracting a healthy, happy, and loving relationship, is to get clear on what you do want exactly, and what you specifically will not tolerate.
Create a list of behaviors that you will no longer allow into your life and relationships. Once you recognize the red flags, remove yourself from these people. Love yourself enough to allow only positive, loving, uplifting people into your life.
- Keep a Running Log of Your Daily Accomplishments
Set aside a specific time each day to sit down with yourself and remind yourself what you have achieved. What did you achieve today? In the last week? Within your lifetime?
Allow yourself every day to feel proud of yourself for the little things you have accomplished. They can be big things like buying a new house, or little things like meeting a special someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
- Keep a Gratitude Journal
How often do you really take the time to love yourself in a day? Stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes. It will be hard at first, but trust me it will make you stronger in the end.
As you look yourself in the eyes, tell yourself 5 things that you love about you and that you are grateful for. “I am kind and loving”. “I am generous and giving”. “I am fun to be with”. “I am handsome”.
List out your positive qualities and allow yourself to fill up with gratitude for being you. Do this every night for the next 30 days and watch how much different your world becomes and how much more empowered you feel.
- Recognize Ruminations of Guilt and Shame
We all find that at some point in our day our mind has wandered to all of the things we have done wrong, what we never seem to get right, or how if we had only done and said what our ex told us to, everything would be so much better than it is.
The moment you realize that you are getting caught up in the negative thoughts of the past, love yourself by telling yourself that you have 1 minute to finish the thought. Then you must shift your focus and mind to new, productive, empowering thoughts that are healthier.
- Find Something to Channel Your Energy Into That Allows You To Be Of Service In Healthier Ways
Emotional manipulators do not tend to pick on people who are less intelligent or weaker. They look for people pleasers who have a helping mindset. In one way or another, you were probably attracted to the idea of being of service to your ex in some way. Maybe you thought you were helping them get out of a bad relationship, giving them the love they were missing, or whatever way you thought they needed you.
Find a way to channel this ‘service’ energy by giving your time to a local charity or cause. Build new relationships with people based on mutual respect and mutual service.
Love Yourself By Letting Go of Toxic Relationships and Rediscovering Your True Self
The most common things I hear when talking to people about the toxic relationships they have had in their lives and finally found the strength to walk away from, is:
“I was someone you could easily walk all over. I was afraid to let go of friendships, family, and relationships because I feared having no one in my life.”
“I was tired of holding on to unhealthy relationships that made me feel unsupported.”
“I was tired of holding on to a partner for whom I meant nothing; I wanted a relationship that would make me feel alive.”
“I realized I had to stop sacrificing myself and my happiness for others. It wasn’t healthy. Doing something out of love, to be helpful, is different from doing it out of fear or need, because I wanted validation.”
When you cleanse your life, both physically and emotionally, you create space for something better to come along.
When you start doing things for yourself, it allows you to attract healthier relationships. We are all energy beings and we can only attract back to us those people, situations, and events that are on the same energy frequency that we are emitting.
When you start to love yourself, people pick up on that energy and can see and appreciate you for who you are.
When you are trying to let go of toxic relationships, you begin to face a lot of resistance. You might receive a call from that person, a thought or memory might surface that is enough to reel you back in.
The ego loves instant gratification. The soul knows that something better awaits us. We have to do the work to move past the resistance.
When you are considering letting go of someone, ask yourself these questions:
How do you feel in their presence? Do you feel drained or alive?
Does this person always have my best interest in mind?
Do they belittle you when you share your feelings?
Do they make promises and never follow up?
If you answered yes to the final two questions, it’s time to move on to make space in your life for healthy, happy relationships.
If you are afraid to let someone go, realize that you are doing them a favor as much as you are doing one for yourself. You are not only creating space within your own life, you are also creating space within theirs so they can find someone who is a better energetic match for them.
It’s never easy to let go of the past, but when the pain of holding on is far greater than the pain of letting go, it’s time to take that leap.
5 Ways to Love Yourself While Letting Go
- Express Your Feelings in a Letter
Focus on one relationship that is draining you, and write a letter to the person you want to let go of. Pour out your feelings onto the paper.
End the letter with, “I release you across all time and space. Thank you for helping me learn and grow.”
Fold the paper, burn it, and bury it in the ground. Let it go completely to the universe. This particular ritual instantly has you feeling lighter and more free.
- Clear Your Physical Space
Our physical space is a representation of what we are giving space to in our lives.
Sell or donate any gifts you received, and burn any letters from the person you are letting go of. Don’t allow yourself to come up with reasons to hold on to the things. Remind yourself that it is crucial to moving on and feeling happier with your life and yourself.
- Get Clear on What You Need In Your Life
Write down how you want to feel in your life and in your relationships.
This is how I want my life and relationships to feel:
- Filled with laughter
- Start Filling the Empty Space
Now that you have created space by letting go of the unhealthy relationships, write a list of activities that will help you experience your desires. How will you feel alive? Who makes you feel alive? Who do you have fun with? Who’s company do you enjoy? Who is loving towards you? Who has shown you understanding and acceptance?
- Put Time into Your Passion Every Day
Once you begin dedicating time to the things and people who are important to you, the right people come into your life. People who see and appreciate you for who you really are.
Don’t be surprised if the ones you have let go of try reaching out to you more than they usually would. They can energetically sense that you are letting go of them.
Be aware of the emotions that come up when you are letting go. It’s a normal process. Remind yourself why you decided to move on, it will help make it easier to stand by your decision.
Always remember that you are enough. You are beautiful and magnificent as you are. Love yourself for the amazing creation that you are. Surround yourself with healthy, happy, loving relationships and watch your entire world become something truly amazing.