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The ultimate relationship… that magical love story…. there is one thing that everyone wants in life. Happiness, joy, a sense of aliveness, a sense of meaning in our life, and that meaning comes from and is magnified most in our interactions with the people we love. Nothing is more powerful than to feel that sense that your life matters because you have touched another person’s soul, someone that you passionately love. The only thing that’s equally as powerful is to feel that love and passion coming back to you.
People aren’t just lucky. You can’t just magically have the ultimate relationship. It’s something that we create. Even if there is that magic moment where your eyes meet or you recognize that connection almost instantly, that moment was created by two souls that were prepared. Two people that understand the depth of what they are here for. Two people who are ready to love.
Wherever you are in your relationship now, there’s probably a gap between where you are and where you want to be. If your relationship is not where you want it to be, then it’s time to take it there, by making the changes in you first.
If you want the depth of ongoing passion, that comes from a depth of love- that comes from understanding the 6 human needs of your partner and your own, and how to make those constantly grow.
What we’re talking about here today is about creating the best relationship you could ever create within yourself and within anyone else you truly love. Especially your intimate relationship. In order to have the ultimate relationship there are organizing principles, distinctions, that can transform things literally in a second.
Love, intimacy, passion, connection, depth, authenticy….a life that’s magnified by the gift of another soul who you bond with at the deepest level. When you have the ultimate relationship it affects your kids, your friends, your business, and your family in every way.
What else can lift your soul higher than that feeling of being desired, of wanting someone, of having that hunger, that passion, that depth of love, that feeling like someone knows your soul?
What can crush you more than that? The feeling that you’re not loved, not wanted, not desired. That there’s an emptiness inside yourself. That feeling can take a warrior to his knees. It can take a woman who’s incredibly intelligent and strong, and make her feel like she’s nothing.
What you’re learning here is about creating something sustainable. The kind of passion and love that keeps growing. If you can master any other area of your life, you can master this one, even though it feels more difficult or overwhelming. Even though your intimate relationship probably determines more of your happiness or lack there of than anything else in your life, it’s probably the least mastered area of life. Most people dabble in this area of their life because there’s so much fear attached to it. They try it for a while and they like it when it’s good and easy, but as soon as it gets difficult, they’re out looking for the next person who will light them up for the moment. Dabblers never master anything.
Other people just adjust. They lower their standards and they just tend to ignore their relationship and focus on something else to fill them up. Their work, sports, business, their children, friends, girlfriends, anything else to fill up. But you can’t fill up when this area of passion is not alive in yourself. Nothing will fill that void.
Believe it or not there are skills of relationship and laws of love that need to be practiced daily. If you have an abundance in any area of your life, you have it because you have some things that you do consistently, you follow those simple rules and you get rewards that other people don’t get because they don’t follow the rules, they don’t follow the disciplines.
These principles come from studying relationships that aren’t just good, not just people that enjoy wach other, or who are good friends, the model comes from couples who have been together 10, 20, 40, 50 years or more, who are still passionate for each other. They have that desire and hunger for each other on a daily basis.
This is not about making your relationship work. This is about making your relationship passionate, and about how to take it to that level and sustain and strengthen it and grow it.
Where are you now compared to where you want to be in your relationship? Specifically your intimate relationship. Wherever you are, we’re going to close the gap between where you are and where you really want to be.
But the real question you have to ask yourself is, “am I worthy of the kind of relationship that I expect to have?”
We select our relationships by the way we choose to be in this world. Rarely are you going to attract this magnificent person into your life with incredible standards, and commitment, loyalty, passion, and love, and playfulness, if you don’t have any of those qualities.
We need to create a map, so you can close the gap. And that map is only valuable if you know where you want to go. What would your ultimate relationship look like? What would it look like if it was at the level of your dreams? And what would you be like? How would you have to be to have a relationship like that be sustainable? Something where you’re giving as much as you’re receiving in this life?
Then you need to know where you are right now if you’re going to reach the level of relationship that you desire and truly deserve.
This isn’t just about loving someone. It goes beyond love. You cherish each other, you worship each other, they are your man or woman, your partner, your best friend, your soul mate, your everything. It’s loving at a spiritual level because you hold that person in such a light that you know each other in your soul.
What gets in the way is fears. We all have fears. They come in and out and they don’t ever really leave in a relationship. The fear of not being enough, but to have someone love the places in yourself that you don’t even love, or haven’t even embraced, or you haven’t opened to, and to be loved that completely, and to feel that you can be that vulnerable, and that open, and that it’s all OK because they won’t leave you…. that’s a beautiful thing.
What is your vision for a relationship? What would your relationship be like? If you were to describe what you really want in a relationship, what would it be like? How would you spend time together? What would you do? What would you share? What would you laugh about? How would you make love? What would you do spontaneously together? What would you do that’s crazy? What would you share with this partner that you’ve never shared with another human, if this was your ultimate relationship and you knew it.
What would you feel every day? When you wake up in the morning, what would it feel like to wake up and you can’t wait to kiss, or love, or make love to your partner, to your lover, your soul mate?
For a map to be valuable, first you need to know where you want to go. Really think about that. Write it out in detail. Without a vision we go nowhere. You have to have that vision throughout your relationship.
So where are you now? There are 6 positions of relationship and it’s time to get gut-level honest with yourself. No BS, no positioning, no pretending that you’re somewhere else because the map is worthless if you’re trying to make yourself look better. You have to know where you really are. This takes courage and honesty… especially with yourself.
There’s only 6 positions you can really be in a relationship, even if you’re not currently in a relationship.
What makes this position magnificent? Two things: You have such a deep love, understanding, connection, AND you have unbelievable passion. It’s sexy, playful, raw, real, fun, and you’re soul mates… this is the love of your life. This is where you want to be forever. It’s juicy, it’s tender, there’s a connection and a love that you could never have imagined.
When you’re at this level you’ve got it all. If you’re at this level right now, then you’re probably hungry for more, and that’s healthy because you’re either growing or your relationship is dying, there’s no in between. If you’ve been in this position in your relationship but you’re no longer here, you can literally transform your relationship almost in an instant and recapture what you had and make it grow and be even more beautiful.
Position 2: A Relationship with Love, but Little or No Passion:
This is a position where you have a really, really good relationship. The people around you envy you and think your relationship is magnificent, and it is, because the two of you have a deep love. But there’s very little passion. It’s like you love each other so much but you just can’t get fired up about your partner. You’ve been together for so long, it’s not so new feeling anymore, it’s not sexy, there’s no spontaneity, no craziness or playfulness.
You absolutely can move from position 2 to position 1 in a heartbeat. The only difference between an intimate relationship and a friendship is intimacy. That’s it. With a friend you can have all the love, understanding, caring, and sharing, friendship, and you can do everything else, except sensuality. Except that deep level of connection that you have with nobody else at that level. You just can’t.
Position 3: A Relationship with No Love, and very little to no passion:
You’re in a place where you are basically friends, it’s not a deep love, maybe you’re roommates. You’re there basically. It’s a relationship of convenience. You’re living together, sharing bills together, and it seems really comfortable, and it’s definitely convenient.
I don’t think there’s a worse feeling in life for people, than to be laying in bed beside someone, and not feel that total feeling of being desired by that person, or to desire them. It’s hard to change because you know that person is a good person, but if you’re just hanging as friends, it’s time to move up or move out. Otherwise you’re going to fill up with work, or something else. Your passion is everywhere else. Those are the things you can control. Where you can feel like you’re enough. You need to tell yourself the turth and make a move up.
Maybe in the beginning you have that passion and an amazing love affair. Then maybe it spiraled down a level, and then another level and you ended up here. If you had that magic, and the passion, and a love affair, you can have it all again quickly.
If you put up the walls to protect yourself, that block out the pain, it blocks out the love. This is where courage is needed. The pain of isolation is the easy path because you don’t have to deal with another person with all of their emotions. Without courage, without faith, without honesty, without determination, and love, what is life has any real value?
When you’re in position 3, you’re running to something that’s easier. You’re looking for something that you can control, and you’re going to be unhappy, that’s why you distract yourself.
If you’re going to have the ultimate relationship, it’s about putting your lover first. Them first. Their feelings, their needs. If you don’t do that then nothing else works.
Position 4: You’re Planning Your Escape:
You’re in the same building, and you’re not even roommates, you’re planning your escape. You’ve got one foot out the door. Your focus is more on walking out than walking back in the relationship.
Maybe you’re getting your energy somewhere else, if you’re not already having an affair. Maybe you actually have a plan to leave when the kids reach a certain age. This is the most empty place because years go by and you realize you wasted years of your life being unhappy and unfulfilled. You didn’t have the courage to break through your own fears.
If you’re really miserable and you think your partner is happy, they may be happy with the certainty of the relationship but they’re not happy inside.
Take a minute to remember that moment that you fell in love. There was a moment that was magical, that was blissful. Remember your partner through those eyes. Reconnect to that first moment because we lose that from putting up walls, from the pain, and from stacking the pains on top of each other.
Position 5: You’re Not in a Relationship, But You Want One:
You’ve made your escape, or you’ve been rejected. You’re no longer in a relationship but you want one. Maybe you just ended one and it was the most painful experience in your life, and you never want to do that again. You need to be careful in this position because this is where you start to develop beliefs that destroy your life. “Men are so screwed up”, “women are manipulative liars”, “love is painful”. Whatever story you come up with, you need to be careful. Instead of making someone else wrong, think “What did I not do?”
You’ve got to figure out how to honor the past, even if it’s painful. Then it can become healing not only within you, but within your partner, and it can also become something that allows you to have more love, more capacity, more expansion.
So the tendency after that type of hurt, is to make everything about that type of person, or that individual wrong. It takes 2. It’s really important here not to kill your future. Honor your ex. There are lessons in life because of them. What did they teach you? The learning is where you open things up to another level. Otherwise you’ll remain where you are.
It’s a beautiful thing when you can look back and see what worked, what didn’t, and how you should have showed up in the relationship, and then commit to showing up differently the next time. You give different gifts. Many past relationships there were gifts that were held back, or gifts that we didn’t even give at the time. It’s about learning from your past and not making it your present. This is not that. And this is hard for some people because sometimes your partner says something a certain way or does something that an ex did and in your heard you’re saying “Ohhh, I know what THAT is”, and then you shut down in the relationship and you kill the relationship. Closing down makes you go into your fears, and the deepest fears are that they’re going to take love away, or that you’re not going to have love.
It’s important to remember that while this may look like that, it’s not that. Divorce your past, divorce the pain, divorce your limitations, otherwise you can’t move up.
Position 6: You’re Not in a Relationship, And You Don’t Want to Be In One:
You’re not in a relationship and don’t want to be in one. It’s like you want everything else like time with your friends, work, you want to succeed, and you believe that you’ll have time later when you have everything else first. This is the place of rationalization. This is the place of the deepest fears. But this is also the place with the opportunity for growth. The acceleration from this place can be very exciting. But you have to get over this gut level peace that you have at some level, that you can’t have it the way you want it.
You need to say to yourself that you are man enough or woman enough to have the quality of relationship you deserve and you’re not giving up. The same kind of determination and focus that you used to succeed in your career, or in sculpting your body, or to get through some of the toughest challenges in your life. That’s what you have to reach into. The same inner strength, and just push through. You cannot accept the lies and limitations you keep feeding yourself that you don’t want love. That’s fear speaking. That’s not your soul speaking.
This requires a deeper courage because you can get pretty comfortable being on your own. There’s no one to answer to, you do things on your terms. Leaving this place no only requires you to crumble the walls around your heart, it requires you to have the courage to trust again, or to open again, or to love again, and also to think of the possibility of sharing your life with someone who may annoy you at times with the little things, someone who will quite possibly do things that trigger your fears. And when you’re really scared you can make up stories about the littlest things, and make something out of nothing. The truth is you’re just scared.
Get really truthful with yourself and ask yourself, ‘what do I truly deserve?’ The truth is that you really don’t want to be alone. You don’t want to spend life alone and you do want to connect. There is a call in all of us to connect to that deeper part within somebody and to love unconditionally. The purpose of a relationship is magnification. It magnifies human emotion. When it’s you and your partner, there’s more power and more insight, more caring, more capacity, more feelings and more thoughts enter your body. Suddenly you know what to do because it isn’t about you anymore. You change completely.
If you have 2 people who are coming to this relationship to give, to love, it’s going to magnify beyond anything you could ever hold within yourself. It expands when you give it. That’s why you need to get out of position 6.
So first you need to be completely honest with where you are right now, and then decide where you want to be. Create that vision of your ultimate relationship, and make the decision to commit to moving up to a level one relationship. That’s where the magical love story happens. Not only do you deserve it, you are most definitely worth it.